Of Illness...

I always knew motherhood was going to be hard. I mean, of course, we always think about how great, fulfilling and joyful it's all going to be, but we often conveniently skip over the part where we think about how hard it is. Of course, I think every one has their pregnancy oh-my-God-how-am-I-ever-going-to-manage-this freak outs, but that's now what I'm referring to... let me explain. My baby was born premature because of complications during my pregnancy. In vitro, the doctors found she had hydronephrosis in one of her kidneys. When she was born, they didn't know if her lungs would be able to handle it. By the grace of God, she was born without incident and is now the record-holder for most smiles in a lifetime. :) I kid (although I'm sure she's VERY close). Since she was born in September, she's been sick 4 times. UTI in December, RSV in January, cold/cough in February and ear infection (resulting from the cold/cough) just this week, which resulted in a ruptured ear drum. (sigh). I remember when she got her first fever (103.3! She never does anything small!), I cried the whole way to the urgent care center. When she was diagnosed with RSV, I cried having to see her with a mask over her face when she had her breathing treatments. When her eardrum ruptured, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Being a mom is tough... but being a mom to a sick baby is double-tough. Your mind, heart and your entire body hurts for them. You know there's nothing you can do for them, but wonder incessantly nonetheless, thinking, "What can I do?!" And you sit there, holding them while they cry, sleep, eat, etc. and you live for nothing else but them at that moment.

Fortunately, my baby's hydronephrosis has not been of much discomfort for her, with the exception of having to see the urologist every 3 months and the occasional test of her kidney function. Sometimes, after she's recovered from whatever ails her, I sit and think of all the mothers of sick babies out there. The ones who have so much more to deal with than a cold, or a UTI, or even RSV. The ones for whom the feeling of hopelessness in not being able to cure them is not something they endure for a day, week, or month. I feel for them, and for their babies. I could never possibly begin to comprehend their plight. And I applaud them for their strength and endurance and their sacrifice.

Okay, I'm done... before I start crying.

Shake and Rattle... no Roll.

My baby refuses to roll over. It's aggravating. She's six months old. It's not that she can't... I've seen it. I lay her down, leave the room, she gets upset and starts screaming at the top of her lungs. If I'm gone long enough, she'll get mad enough that (I'm guessing) she thinks to herself, "I'm getting out of this place!" and proceeds to start to roll. She makes it onto her side then gets more frustrated at what I can only assume is the fact that she has to go through all this in the first place, and just gives up. But she won't roll! I'm not concerned about her developmentally, I mean she is right there with her peers on everything else and even more advanced in some areas. But the lack of rolling is... argh. I'm at a loss. She has tummy time every day. She hates it. It's like, by refusing to roll, she's rebelling against the establishment that says she has to spend time on her tummy every day. When I put her on her tummy, I can't help but laugh as she lays there in the "front leaning rest" position, and looks up at me, as if saying, "Why are you submitting me to such torture?" I can't help but smile and yet, wonder. Why does she hate it so much? Will my baby be one of those children that goes from 0 to 60 in no time? Will she all of a sudden one day just get up and take off walking? Because without the whole rolling thing, I don't have much hope for the crawling thing either. I think she's too impatient for that. :) But I guess we'll have to see. In the meantime, I'll have to hold my tongue and try my hardest not to hate those mothers whose babies are merrily rolling away.